Forgiving the Past

FYI: This is the third blog entry I have written on this topic and the only one I can bring myself to publish. Each has been unique and each a bit more reticent of my feelings, my hatred and hopefully my ability to forgive...

I had a long "chat" yesterday with someone buried deep within my past. It was a cathartic kind of chat that frankly, left me feeling a bit numb afterwards. We have all inevitably hurt people in our lives. Hurt is part of growing and sometimes it is that hurt, which leads us to where we are supposed to be in life. Frequently, when we hurt someone, we know it. The person we hurt tends to tell us what we've done to disappoint them. Not this time. I said nothing for 14+ years.

It feels good to let go. Let go of the anger and the resentment that have been hiding out in my psyche for the last 14 years or so. I found a quote from one of the most moving authors I have ever read, ‎Alan Paton says, "When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive." This quote resonates within me. Because as I read Paton's quote, I began to think of who Alan Paton was and the events that led him to offer such a profound statement to the world. Alan Paton, for those who don't know, is the author of Cry, the Beloved Country, a wickedly moving tale of apartheid in South Africa. I am quite sure when Paton uttered these words, he was not thinking of the wrongs done to a 17 year old girl. Yet, they still rung true.

My hurt is nothing compared to the collective agony felt by millions of South Africans during the reign of apartheid. It was a cruel and oppressive hatred of mostly Dutch white settlers against native South African blacks. And yet, his quote is rivetingly fitting . It was a familiar oppressive hatred and hurt, which I felt living within my past that led me toward forgiveness. A forgiveness, that will hopefully lead to peace, not forgetfulness. Much like the people of Paton's South Africa, I have no intention of forgetting. To forget only positions one's self to be placed at risk again. Rather, I hope to find an inner peace that 14 years of hatred and resentment merely served to shun.

I have no idea if my act of forgiveness will instigate any change in the person I'm trying to forgive. That is not my problem, nor is it within my control. I want to believe that it will change this person--for the better. It has already changed me. And that, is at the crux of what I can control and what I am most worried about. ME. So, in an effort to incite a change within myself, and to breathe deeply and freely from the grip of resentment and hatred, I forgive you. Thank you for finally apologizing...even 14+ years late.